Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
