Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
