Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.�
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
