3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
