i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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