so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I want to fling myself into the sun
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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