So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Randomize
