Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
