Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
