Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
