I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Rumble strips road head = magical
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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