I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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