I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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