I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
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