i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
