Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
