The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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