I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
