Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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