someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
i black out too much to be "responsible"
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
