My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
