if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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