I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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