That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Randomize
