Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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