nut hugger
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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