the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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