I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
