Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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