I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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