I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Randomize
