Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Randomize
