Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
