did you get engaged???
On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
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