Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
