I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
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