This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
