i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
