do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
