I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
