i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
