i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
well most of my day revolves around power hour
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Randomize
