remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
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