1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
