I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
