on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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