Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
