My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Randomize
