I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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