The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
