Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Randomize
