From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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