The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
